from the jellyfish CE

to my lovely ladies,

i don't know how else to start a post

so i'll try with with an overdue

hello,

my lovely ladies,

you are all beautiful.

I must say, i've been quite afraid to post on  o u r  blog because after rosanna's loss- i didn't know what to say. Not knowing what to say or do- I seemed to have drawn away because my dear rosanna, i didn't want in any way for my words to hurt you if only by accident.

I think that might've been a bit stupid of me, I should've just outright said that here we all are for you.

So Rosanna, love-

We're here for you, and we'll keep on posting. When you need just a bit of strength just look over here at our blog and I hope you'll feel our strength through our writings because distance plays no role here.

Love, I apologize for being afraid that my love wouldn't be enough to help. 

If anything, even though i was afraid to write I still checked our blog frequently for any updates- and i must say. I feel as if i dont think about college enough compared to my ambitious ladies >__O

I'm not thinking about any ivy leagues

i just want to be happy

a silly

maybe stupid

plan

but i spent time after time just thinking about it- and i really like the idea of Physical Therapy. I'm not confident enough in myself to become a doctor who could kill someone so very easily with the shake of a hand- but a physical therapist is there to help someone recover- and I want to help if just a bit. but enough about that,

ALL OF YOU.

NEVER THINK THAT YOU ARE "COMPLAINING TO MUCH" OR ANYTHING OF THE SORT. I AM HERE FOR YOU ALL TO VENT BECAUSE I WILL LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY- never be afraid of sounding "whiny" or anything, i'll still love you.

Yeanababe,

I got your letter (i think i told you already? (: )

I carry it around wherever i go with stationary and a pen in tow (&sometimes markers too!)

however

i'm having a heck of a time trying to put my thoughts down onto the paper because i only have enough stamps to send each of you one letter each- and although this is amazingly lucky to have enough stamps, at the same time i want to make the letter perfect then > ^ <

ohyeana(: 

friendship is a crucial part of relationships- the fact that you&haley c l i c k is phenomenal (:

i figure haley is probably scared that you don't like him the way he likes you- did you give any indication that you might have romantic interest in him during the winterformal?

he might've been under the impression that you were aware that he was asking you as more than a friend perhaps? O:

if anything- maybe you could make the first move and just talk to him casually, friendly!

yeanababe, you are a gorgeous girl. if haley likes you, from his perspective- i can sympathize. It's scary, downright terrifying to think that you may lose such a fantastic friend simply because of your heart. & it hurts to stay friends when you desperately want to be more.

perhaps guys are closer to girls than we think. O__O

i was talking to a friend and- well, he's a jerk. a rather scary jerk who i should tell you guys more about- on more than one occasion he has told me that he "fuAHEMcking hates me", wants to kill me, etc. and the more terrifying thing is that he likes me. and ladies, i am not kind to him. i am not a nice person at all, i am a jerk as well ): there was one instance when we were having a serious conversation and he said "i love you" i was scared and i stopped typing. i ceased all movement and just stared at the screen in fear of what i would have to say because i didn't want to face this. for five minutes i did nothing. and he had to add on "like a sister" and then i miraculously came back and laughed along. everytime he says anything that you're honestly not supposed to say to a "sister", anything that crossed the frienship line i used the "hahhah, yeah brotoeso, you're not supposed to say that to your sister" imma jerk. he's a psycho. a psycho i've been dodging since elementary school ]:) ANYWAYS. i was talking to him-because i really do value his friendship- and he had finally gotten a girlfriend (he shifts between the girls he likes alot, and has them in a list in order of who he likes the best O_O) but he broke up with her about a week after (to which we got in a huge fight because he picked a fight with me. he started using profanity with me again, and told me about how he talked with some other people and they agreed that arthur was not treating me right because of some "reasons" and so on forth- to which i defended his honor (XDXD) and we got into quite the spat. anyways today i was trying to convince him to get back with her 'cause he was getting a bit too friendly-i told him that he should go back to her, apologize for breaking up and ask her to take him back.

he said that "when guys do that, girl feel that they are weak"

is that true for you ladies?

i personally think that if a guy does that-well i might be pissed at first for the asshole to have broken my heart- but also this means that the guy, well here's how i phrased it "just apologize properly, it means that the guy actually thinks his shit through and wont dump you again at the drop of a hat"

^excuse my language ):

but this was a soft spot for me,& i told him "girls are always scared that they love the guy more than the guy loves them"

anyways

perhaps guys and girls are closer than we think

though with an exception. i think you're right yeana- they play with our feelings and have no idea that they're doing it.

and if you can't bring yourself to hate them- you end up hating yourself.

i can only hope that you stay away from hating yourself love, I don't want you to do that to yourself ):

to all of my ladies,

i wish you all the best of luck with your sleep patterns ):

lately, i don't sleep at all during weekdays (at home anyways, i grab a quick snooze in the commute to school & sometimes in school (eep!)) but the only time that i can show my bed at home proper affection lately has been our days off from school

i've been testing my limits and if i go over three days without more than 3 hrs sleep in between then i get into a sort of weird zombie state of mind to which i'm so very apathetic to everything and i loll about extremely clumsy and getting into accidents and i talk much too much- to the point that i fall asleep when talking to my friends XD

and this is why my grades suffer. =__=

ladies, don't be like me- sleep (:

wendy love, that scary thought of not attaining the future you want?

don't worry dear- we'll be here for you. I can't even fathom you not getting into your prestigious college and such- but "shit happens" and some brilliants students i know of got rejected from their schools as well, and that was unbelievable to me. so if ever shit happens to you- we'll be there to pick you up. just try again love, and you'll do better than fine.

And i don't want to tell you to drop one or two of your activities (HOW ARE YOU PLAYING TENNIS IN THIS WEATHER? - New York is currently under the storm, SNOWDAY FINALLY =__=) but I worry for you ladies all overworking yourselves /: 

so all i can tell you is breathe.

also, whenever i find that i miss you guys so much that I might burst from the nostalgia- i go on facebook and look through all of our photos of each other from all of our individual albums XDXD

it helps a bit.

*warning: and here comes a long long rambling on something that makes even me hate me, so dont read 'cause i think you guys might come to dislike this part of me as well.*

ladies,

i get questions of "so how are you&arthur?"

and i feel painfully aware of every movement in my body and my heart feel heavy and cold.

I answer "um, we're good, i don't really know how to answer this-" & i laugh it off.

ladies, i'm not the brightest cookie in the jar, but i don't think that's a good reaction.

i don't quite want to admit this to myself- and this is the first time i'm saying, thinking, writing it- so right now time is passing painfully slow- and my fingers seem to be moving at slow motion.

arthur&i.

don't get me wrong ladies, i'm in love with him.

but what happens is that I hate the me that comes with the me in love with him.

It's like, the part of me that I hate. "nega-me"

nega-me is insecure beyond belief for one thing. Nega-me cried in her room not knowing what to do- and for a stupid reason that I can't bear to even type. Maybe i'll text it, maybe i'll write it in my long overdue letter. but nega-me seems to be surfacing quite often and I hate her, me. I hate all of the "whatifs" that nega-me revolves around. it's whatif he's tired of me? whatif he wants her back?-ah. the insecurity of when he talks to his ex- whatif i'm the only one in love? whenever i get to that, it's sometimes as if i've come back to my senses. a whole line of he said he loves me, he wouldn't lie. and then they're followed by maybes and buts

maybe he confused friendship for liking, and now that he's stuck with me he's not the type to just end it because he wants to stay friends or something

maybe he does love me, but now that they talk again he loves her more

or could love her more

maybe it really does bother him how much i look like a little kid

hah. that one rather hurts. at first i thought it was just a joke, something to tease him with. but maybe it bothers himmorethan i think. actually, i know it does bother him- or at least i think i know. he actually shook my hand away from his before and asked me to stop touching his hands because it looked like we were siblings eating together. I didn't show that it bothers me- in fact i've never shown nega-me to him- because that part of me loves him still, it's just me that both mes hate (gosh, brain fart)

infact, as i type all of this i know that it sounds naggy

and insane

and just annoying

but ladies, forgive me for this please and skim along

but i need to get it all out of my head or i'll end up sporadically crying again

ah. the worst part is. i told my miss about my reasons behind my fears

and she couldn't refute them. she could only hug me and tell me that hopefully they don't mean anything- even though it seems like they do

and that hopefully, nothing bad happens.

hopefully.

hope hurts-especially when it gets shot down over and over again with the seed of doubt

ladies, forgive and ignore these utter ramblings

i just needed to get them out somewhere where he can't see them- because i'm even more terrified that if he were to see that there existed such an ugly and insecure part of me that he would tire of me, or anything like that.

i'm scared to sleep sometimes because if i'm not exhausted when i go to sleep, and i mean exhausted as in haven't slept for 24 hours, then sometimes-and it's been happening more often- i have nightmares about him leaving me

agh. i disgust myself even saying this

for thinking this

for bothering you all,

forgive me

i love you guys,

tracy.