REGULAR FONT GOOD, TEENY TINY FONT IS OPTIONAL TO READ

I just want to say thankyou to my lovely ladies. (:

I have seriously neglected our togetherability blog,
and that is NOT legit. ]:

I'm not quite sure what's going on, I feel like part of me is still living my life and acting like me
but when i get home and i'm just by myself, i feel lost?
I avoided the blog 'cause I can't keep anything from you ladies, but I don't even know what's going on inside my head, it feels cluttered.

to yeana&rosanna, G'LUCK WITH YOUR MUSICALS [:
wendyyyy (: TENNIS BEAST.

rosannamomma, hang in there. I'm a bit shaky at the moment, but i'm still here for you.
have you any videos of you singing? [:
alsoalso, oolala Loren Cao (;
HOW'S IT GOING? *WINKWINKPRODPROD*
by the way, I'm working on getting a cardigan <3

wendylove,
in fact. all of you ladies. CHILL OUT. actually, you're probably tired of hearing that. FREAK OUT ALL YOU NEED TO GIRL. it's all good, if you trip from freaking out we'll be here to catch you. you girls are legitimately SMART and will do FINE. if you dont get into the colleges you wanted, s'alright i have unwavering faith that you'll all get into fantastic colleges nonetheless. You all work so hard O ^ O (makes me feel lamer than i already do >__O)

yeanababe,
i worry for haley. you're simply so bright and dazzling that he's probably bewildered thinking that he may have a romantic future with you. If he seems to be under the impression that you like him in a way that you don't, maybe you could drop hints here and there? Tell him how awesome of a friend he is, that he's like a brother perhaps?
you can be evil like me and call him bro- but you may end up like me and hate yourself =_=

thankyou for the birthday wishes ladies <3
i haven't gotten around to responding on facebook > ^ <
i love you all [:

now skippero to the end!

ah, i did what you ladies suggested.
we talked.
earlier that day i had been with a friend and something upsetting happened to her
and she's very dear to my heart
so i started crying for her
the end result?
we cheered each other up (why did i need cheering up? XD)
and later on I teased her by telling arthur that she made me cry
while i was walking to the train station with arthur, he told me somewhat confidently "I've never made you cry [: "
ah. silence on my part.
he never made me cry intentionally ladies
i think I made myself cry?
@_@
goodness. i've been neglected the blog so much that you guys aren't up to date with my psychoness D:
basically...>__>
there's me. and that horrible part of me that I told you all about, the horrible part of me that is scared that he'd fall out of love with me and with his ex girlfriend. 'cause quite honestly, she's gorgeous. And I mean it. She takes beautiful photographs as well. she's got fantastic hair. and she has done what i've always wanted but my parents would possibly probably throw me out- piercings.
I don't quite seem like the type to get facial piercings, but I'm quite fond of certain mangas and thus I grew fond of visual kei, and I wanted a lip ring. well, she has one. and it looks good on her. so now i no longer- well. i don't want to get one because it would remind me- and possibly him- of her.
she was nicknamed(?) pikachu. I can't look at a pikachu anymore without feeling that morbid feeling inside.
i'm scared because she's still in his life, she's like a brother to him
she dumped him. she's amazing. if she were to want him back...?
then i slap myself in the face. don't be silly, right?
i then proceed to hate myself for being so pathetic. /:
all in all? if i weren't so very afraid of her i'd admire her. or maybe i do already.
yes, well
i would reply to his facebook messages
but eventually he stopped replying?
"He just doesn't go on facebook a lot anymore. s'okay."
But when he won't reply to any messages you send, why would he leave paragraph responses to pikachu? ouch ouch ouch
yeah, that night I cried 'cause my idiotic overeactive imagination asked myself what would I do if he didn't care about me anymore. and from there little things attacked my heart as well. He would say that he felt like a pedophile with me since i looked so young sometimes, and he'd shake my hand away- i have to admit, that hurt. is it odd that i wanted for him to show interest in my physically as well? it's like...i wanted him to love me mentally but physically as well. I wanted to feel pretty and well, desirable. Instead, I felt as flat as a board since I lacked the secondary sex characteristics that most females had. this was blow #2 to how i looked, with blow #1 being that I looked 10 yrs old to him. I was unsatifactory, odd as an oddball, honestly a bit stupid (no really. you should see my appalling grades (as in failing math and physics.) compared to his outstanding 95s.) and i hated myself already for being a psycho b*tch girlfriend.
back to way back up there
so i couldn't say that he never made me cry
and to his credit, he noticed my silence
and questioned me
imploring me to tell him what happened
I was scared that he'd be as disgusted with me as I was
but i told him in whispers
expecting him to have a funny look on his face and in the inside he'd be quite annoyed by me.
He didn't have that funny look on his face that I expected him to have. He reassured me that I was loved and my crumbling self was put right back into place.

oh.
by the way.
a (i like to think) close friend of mine along with a supreme biffle of mine introduced me to alcohol.
bad, i know.
but it was in an extremely controlled environment and her parents were actually the one who gave it to her and they were in the next room O__O
what's odd is that
well, i got "wasted".
but what's odd is that after i got home and slept it off I woke up feeling better. It was as if I'd gone through hardcore physical and mental therapy- and no hangover O:
it seems bad,
i think it's bad,
but some people need a little help to say what's bothering them.
I was told that at one point I had started crying hysterically
and i wasn't even aware that this was upsetting me so much
you see, it was midwinter break and I mostly see arthur at school only. he stays home on weekends except for his saturday class in which i would meet him after his class (i have class uptown at the city college) and we take the train home together.
but otherwise he stays home and usually plays video games
that's fine, i love the gamer side of him
and after winter break, i had learned that he would probably not meet me during the upcoming midwinter break /:
one day would've made me happy though, and he said that he wanted to see me as well [:
i was too greedy
let alone one day, I didn't get any contact. no phonecall, no IM, no facebook, no emails. he broke his phone, and he'd rather I didn't call his home phone in case his mom picked up. that means it's up to him to call me. I left him offline IMs, facebook wallposts and an email. I told myself "he's just playing a lot of video games, okay."
my friend asks where's he's been, i tell her "he's probably playing starcraft or MW2 (:"
and she asks "he can't send one lousy email?"
ouch.
so i suppose, that was bothering me
and when my inhibitions were lowered through alcohol i cried it all out, scared that he didn't care.
Ladies, can you bear with this lame side of me? You may say that all girls feel like this, but i feel excessively lame. I'm insecure to the point of annoyance. IT EVEN ANNOYS ME =__=
turns out, he was at his uncles house all break and was busy taking care of his cousins.
so i was overreacting.
but i got home late that night since i needed time to sober up
and my parents were upset that I called home late >__< (&I felt quite horrible for not calling earlier. I had just left my sister a text to tell them, but she doesn't convey messages well =__=)
When my brother questioned me, I told him that I was not in a state to call home, I had been crying.
He asked why.
He heard why.
He got angry.
he also asked why couldn't he give one lousy call.
Ladies, please tell me that it's not his fault. He was at his uncle's house. He was preoccupied. It's alright, right?

& then ladies, quite recently
i saw something that no girlfriend is supposed to see.
He doesn't take photos of himself, he doesn't have a camera. and he'd rather go without a profile picture but he even got rid of the "view photos of" link under the profile picture
but i saw that there's that photos tab beside "wall" on his profile and i felt triumphant that I'd see pictures of how he looked when he had profile pictures, him in the years that I didn't know him
alas.
i found a photo
and looking at the comments
it sounded like it was right after she had broken up with him
and he was telling her how much he was still in love with her.
ouch.
he gave me this necklace for my birthday. And it has a locket inscribed on the back "hamster & tractor" (i am called tractor because a friend of ours meant to type "tracester" in an attempt at a nickname. there was a typo, and there was "tractor". it was so funny to them since apparently i'm not big and awesome like a tractor that they call me that now & he's a hamster 'cause quite honestly if you met him you'd think he was one. except for the fact that he's 6'1 but meh) and on the front it says "The Book of Love"
now this may sound cheesy (cheesy and corny are different, corn is sweet and although sometimes a bit embarrassing it's always welcome to have more sweetness. there are times when you can have too much cheese though) but The Book of Love is a song, a very nice song (:
and he told me that he knows that I get silly and insecure sometimes so he hoped that this would be a reminder
I held on to the necklace when i read those comments.
and i think i'm getting better at this whole insecurity thing.

ah. because it's you ladies
and i feel like i have to unnecessarily bare my soul
and give too much information than you all would probably like XD

I'm so very much in love with this guy.
some would say that this being my first love, i'm just being naiive.
but
at first this is what i also believed.
but the feeling keeps on growing
i've never been angry at him, just upset at myself
we've been together for four months and not a single fight O_O
he keeps me happy when my world is falling apart otherwise.
my dad is making an appeal at the end of march to become a US citizen
chances of success are low
but if he were to succeed then the court date in june will be null and voided.

today i found out what he did that would cause him to be deported/jailed
he didn't quite kill someone
which is good. 'cause he's a good guy, and I think it'd hurt him too much if he had to live with this
oh
but he sure as hell tried to kill someone. they were rather resilient. this was when he was #2 to #1 of a gang
but
he's a good guy.
he really is.
i'm an ugly person though, before he made bail i was happy that he wasn't at home. i still loved him, that was definite but i don't think i can live with him. we clash too much. as in, he makes me cry too much when he drinks and gets upset with me. but that's my fault, i don't do too well in school anymore. I just seem to keep on falling.

on a brighter note, i don't think i'm failing math anymore! (arthur helped me!)
but now, it's physics and chinese(I'M THE WORST CHINESE KID EVER.) that I'm failing
and possibly english because I have that first period but i'm often late since I oversleep a lot):

on an awkward note, a friend of mine told me he had a wet dream about me.
how in the world am i supposed to respond to that?? We've known each other since elementary school and I think he's an okay guy when he's not being a jerkface but that makes him think that it's a good time to confess to me and every now and then I have to go through phases of avoiding him because I rejected him.
He knows it bothers me, I won't even let him flirt with me- I dubbed him my brother and i call him that. He might say "hey sexy" and i will tell him "haha, that's incestuous BRO, stop it."
i'd feel bad for being so horrible to him if it weren't for the fact that every now and then he gets pissed off at me and starts yelling at me about how he wants to kill me.
i'm not kidding, he legitimately scares me sometimes.
he friended arthur on facebook, i wouldn't tell him why but I asked arthur not to get too close to him because when i started going out with arthur, he started saying how he wants to kill him too ):
so if you ladies ever want to talk to me on aim, just IM me!
it's not that i'm not online
i'm probably invisible avoiding him. he's 60% scary and unrelenting with his affections, but 40% a good friend who i can get along with rather well ):
the 60% and the new unnecessary information about his dream are keeping me from talking to him nowadays. i'm horrible.

On a psychotic note, I scare myself sometimes when I'm left alone in my head. I pondered letting myself get hit by a car on saturday not because i wanted to die (i'm not suicidal) but because I was interested as to what would happen. It was a strange moment in which i was out of it. My mom also wants for me to see a doctor and not the kind for checkups. The reason why I don't sleep is 'cause I don't want to go to sleep without completing my homework, which is a good thing. but sometimes i absolutely do not feel like doing my homework so i just sit there zoning out. someone will IM me asking me what I'm doing and what am i supposed to say? "just zoning out"? so i sit there for hours not doing homework, not sleeping.
blogging is healthier. i should do this more often so my posts aren't always obscenely long.
so she says that i don't seem normal sometimes 'cause she sees me falling asleep while i'm eating.
apparently the odd things i say sometimes freak her out too much
and she thinks I need help
oh boy. whether or not I need "help" is not the question, I think it's do i want it?
no, because I don't need it.
i'm not out of the ordinary at all, i just happen to say what i'm thinking more often that others do.

i'm selfish, baw
good thing you skipperoo0-ed all of that nonsense!
tracy.