HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

The title is dedicated to our mommy rosie (:
& by the way, another H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y!
you are fabulous,
& beautiful,
an amazing young woman,
with an amazing mind-
& heart
we love you.

You know, all of this week since my last post I couldn't seem to find the time to look at our blog at all.
& it definitely made a difference not having the words of my ladies as a soft remembrance in the back of my heart that they're there for me.
You guys are an irreplaceable part of my life.

So I'm going to put up pictures sometime soon (I think. lol) and under the guise of being for my digital photography project, I invited my friend Corinne over to burn my report card.
Ladies, you can all tell me I'm smart- but my school begs to differ.
I think it has something to do with me falling asleep during lessons and tests- teachers don't like that too much.
I'm working on it, I didn't sign up for any APs this year because if I can't handle a regular workload, how am I supposed to take on APs?
My friend encouraged me to sign up for the ACT however, and I already have the waiver /: I'm just sitting on the fence. I think I'll commit to it.

SO. I SAW ALL OF THE PROM PICTURES (i'm not a creep, it's facebook. >__O)
& NOW I'M HAPPY WITH THE PROM STORIES [:

Wendylove, if anything I'm more than just going la la la laaa, I'm full out frolicking. IT IS TIME TO SET MY MEADOW ON FIRE AND GET TO WORK TT ^ TT
it's okay if you're going crazy.
one of my teachers that I really respect once talked to me about how he thought he had gone crazy for a moment. I wrote him a letter saying that even if he did go crazy, he'd still be an amazing teacher and such. I told him that being crazy doesn't mean losing your mind, you gain a whole new perspective on the world. Sometimes a bit of entropy is good.
I think he thinks I'm crazy now. LOL.

yeanababe,
greenday is super cool [:
(& SO IS YOUR PRIESSSSST!)

I think I feel too much.
Normal people tear up during films, I cry with tears running down my face.
When they cry, I sob.
Maybe I just really get sucked into the world of the movie.
Or maybe I just feel too much.
I feel like it's only okay to cry, if it's not something important.
I wouldn't want people to worry /:

CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN. <3
there's actually a chocolate club at my school....they spend most of the year raising money (selling stuff and etc.) to go on a trip to hershey park at the end of the year XDXD
babe, how are you with francis...?
& I can't wait to get your photo and put it up on my corkboard along with my other NSLC photos [:

ROSIEEEE-ANNAA!!
MY J-PROM IS ON A BOAT AS WELL XDXD
some people think it's hilarious and they sing out IM ON A BOAT.
others are somewhat worried that if they're late the boat will ditch them.
and of coarse some think it's stupid 'cause 1. it's a boat 2. they can't sneak in anything (i happen to like that they can't sneak anything in.) 3. they want to leave early but can't...unless they swim.
I'm not going to J-prom, I wouldn't be going whether Arthur was in my life or not lol
I kind of want to because it seems like some of my close friends are going- but it's much too much trouble and ew- money. (after some deals made with miscellaneous stores on advertising and such, my j-prom would only be like $45-$50!)
Money is quite the issue XDXD
Hey ladies,
so I'm a bit confused
but I may or may not be going to Arthur's senior prom @__@
At first, we had both decided it wasn't going to happen because his mom wouldn't pay for his ticket- my parents obviously wouldn't pay for mine- and he could only save up enough money for one ticket
It's sweet, I keep telling him to just go without me- enjoy his senior experience with his friends and whatnot- but he said he refused to go without me :'D
So we decided we'd have an instead-of-prom date
well.
he just recently told me
that his mom caved. and said she'd cover his ticket, tux, whatever.
He said if he can get enough money to cover my ticket then we're set
I even talked to my mom and instead of an instant veto she's actually considering it :'D
my brother came to my rescue.
he told her than prom is actually important. and that I need to get a dress for it. LOL, HE UNDERSTANDS GIRLS XDXD

ladies, senior prom costs about $200. for the ticket.
X__X

So I still have to ask him about if he's positive we're going,
if we do
I'm nervous as hell.
As wendy should most certainly know about my lack of curves (LOL. IT WAS HARD TRYING TO GET ME TO LOOK NOT-AWKWARD IN CYNTHIA'S DRESS XDXD)
& my school offers Ballroom as a senior elective in phys ed so he can most certainly dance
I think that if we end up not going to prom
then on our insteadofprom date I'll borrow speakers from someone-anyone and get him to dance with me anyways (:
he's a very sweet boy, I hope my brother can see that before he goes to college /:
Today, my brother was poking holes in me. He dislikes that Arthur spends more time on MW2 (Modern Warfare 2) than with me lol. If anything, I'm happy my brother cares for me
Personally I would always welcome more time with him, but if MW2 makes him happy then I don't want to stand in the way of it.
I was a fool to tell my brother about my insecurities.
You see, there are two questions that I want to, but will never ask Arthur.
1. Why did you and Annie (ah. the ex. this name hurts. I actually have a friend named Annie, she doesn't know that this is the reason why I call her KIMBOOYAH (her last name is kim) all the time instead of annie. this is also the reason why I can't think about pikachus without being sad anymore. This is also the reason why I deleted a song named annie in my Ipod. This is a reason for many things.) break up?
-I never did receive a clear understanding on it.
2. Something along the lines of "Am I appealing to you at all?"
You see, that girl up there (><) is very. sexy. I mean it. I'm very comfortable with my sexual orientation, I know for a fact that I'm a hundred percent straight. I might experiment (LOL) but I'll always roll along the beaten path and be attracted to guys. So I can comfortably tell a girl if she is sexy- and she is. (by the way, you ladies are more than sexy, you're downright beautiful.)
I think he played quite the game of baseball with her. (LOL, THE BASES. REMEMBER?)
Through some backdoors and creeping, I gained access to their wall to wall (i went to my friend in a panic that I had gone off the far end- that i was officially a psycho. she told me that it was actually the norm in most girlfriends and that creeping was fun anyways. she made me laugh :'D)
yeah, so I was given the privilege to see his past i love yous to her (oh boy.) and also to see that she had told him that he was too aggressive.
aggressive?
Possibilities that ran through my head:
1. Very sexual possibilities.
This boy won't touch me. and I mean, at all. He says he respects me too much and that he doesn't want to mess up this relationship (like the last one..?)
oh, i hate the nega-me. she points out everything i'm scared of. maybe it's not just respect, maybe i'm just not appealing to him at all.
she de-sexualizes me,and I feel quite unappealing to him. I feel devoid of any charm other than a childlike cuteness which really doesn't help the cause unless he's got a thing for lolitas. Oh wendy, if you thought you were crazy, you're not. at all.
I mean it. If you thought the things above this were crazy talk, wait until you hear what I'm about to say. It's something I held deep within the confines of my heart because I scared myself a bit with the truth in it.
My friend had just told me in passing something about horoscopes and whatnot.
A pisces apparently sees sex as the ultimate act of love. It's like...that's all she has to give, herself.
So I laughingly asked myself, as a pisces would I do that?
Oh ladies, it was a sardonic laugh.
I honestly would.
Not in the way as giving-sex-for-love. don't worry about that. I just want to give all that I can give.
He wouldn't anyways, he's much too much of a gentleman and I don't think the thought that little ol' me would want to seduce him would ever enter his mind.
I told you it was crazy.
possibility number two is off the charts crazy.
possibility number two is that he acts very different around me, it's either because he's honestly changed, or that he feels like he can't be himself around me. At some point in all of my craziness this notion evolved into me being fluff. Fluff is just filler. expendable. It's sadsadsad.
Maybe this is all one big misunderstanding on his part and I'm the only one in love.
Here is where the hole poking happened. I don't think my brother realized how much this really impaled me.
Does he call?
-"he doesn't really use his phone a lot." I used to be able to say that he broke his phone so that was why he didn't call, but now he has a new one. my answer was still he just doesn't use the phone a lot.
Does he go on facebook? (my brother knows I thrive on facebook because it's a connection to my friends)
-"not...anymore..." we really started talking on facebook. there would be page long conversations broken up into smaller parts so that they would fit within the limit. It was the most wonderful wall spam because there was simply so much to talk about.
and then it stopped. OHMAN. and this one really killed 'cause he used to go on facebook as much as i did- when he went out with her. to talk to her. sadsadsad.
Does he ever go out with you?
-YES.
often?
-...he tries.
What's keeping him so busy that he can't see you?
-...modern warfare 2...IT MAKES HIM HAPPY. IT'S OKAY.
Being with you should make him happy. Wouldn't you choose him over manga?
-LOL, I ONCE SPENT AN ENTIRE WEEKEND WITHOUT READING ANY MANGA AND JUST TALKING TO HIM :D *goes back to such a good conversation*
that's how it should be. do you two ever talk? he never calls or texts. he'll check facebook but he'll reply to everyone but you and he only sometimes goes on aim?
-...it's enough.
I'm starting to doubt that he cares.
-he cares.
I don't want you to lie to yourself.

HE KEPT POKING HOLES.
i wish he asked me the most important question.
"does he love you?"
yes. we even banter about it every now and then about who cares more. But then what's sad is that part of me way deep inside is serious when I say that I love him more, and nothing can convince me otherwise because that part of me really believes it's true.
Hi, I hate myself.
Hi, I'm crying.
Hi, it's been over two hours of writing.
& it has been driving me insane. quietly insane.
you know what?
now that I've finally let it out. It feels a little less silly. and a little less possible. not a lot, but a little.
I hate hurting him so much that I would never directly say such a thing on my blog when I need to vent because I'd be scared that he'd see it and he'd be hurt. The rational part of me doesn't want him to know of my scared thoughts because the rational part of me doesn't want to hurt him with something that will go away eventually. Because this is all crazy talk right?
The nega-me hates me, loves him. so she wouldn't want to hurt him.

i think opening the heart a bit let out way too much crazy for one little post. I don't want to think about it. I want to get a hold of myself and make it all go away.
Yeanababe, do you remember mentioning that you'd bitchslap nega-me away if she popped back up?
I think i need a good smack to the face.

Hey ladies, I think i just had an epiphany.
the real reason why i don't post too often
isn't because I don't want to leave long inane posts.
I love leaving you guys posts full of my love for you
but it's because
my heart is too off guard with you ladies. and all of a sudden all of my insecurities come rushing out.
I dislike that.
I'm not used to talking about it.
it's weird.

I love you ladies,
even though you all make me much too weak.
tracy.